Trump Insists British Supermarkets Sell Chlorinated Chicken or He’ll Tariff Their Tea Too
US-UK Trade Dispute Takes Poultry Turn
LONDON — In a move experts are calling “genuinely confounding,” former President Donald Trump has reportedly demanded that every British supermarket stock shelves with chlorinated chicken—or risk tariffs so steep, even their Earl Grey might start feeling the pinch. Trade analysts say this is the first time in history that poultry has been used as both a diplomatic tool and a subtle threat.
“The Americans want us to embrace chicken that tastes like it’s been swimming laps in a pool,” said Nigel Featherbottom, a retired grocery consultant who once advised Tesco on the proper angle for cucumber slicing. “Frankly, I thought this was satire until I read the memo three times.”
British Public Responds to Controversial Food Safety Proposal
According to a newly released YouGo” poll, 72% of Britons are “confused and slightly insulted” by the proposal, while 15% have reportedly begun boycotting chicken entirely, in favor of steak, tofu, or interpretive dance as a source of protein. One supermarket manager, who requested anonymity for fear of retaliation, admitted, “I don’t even know if we can legally label this as food. Also, my cat won’t eat it, and he’s very discerning.”
Food Standards Clash Between US and UK
Food safety experts warn that chlorine-washed chicken may be legal in the United States, but in the UK, it is “borderline sacrilege.” Professor Hermione Pullet, chair of the University of Culinary Ethics, explained, “This is less about health and more about proving that the other side will comply with your whims. It’s symbolic. Like the royal family wearing tennis shoes to a coronation—possible, but deeply unsettling.”
Starmer Convenes Emergency Trade Meeting
Meanwhile, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer has convened an emergency meeting of trade negotiators, chicken farmers, and conspiracy theorists to figure out whether this is a genuine trade strategy or just another plotline from an American reality TV show. “We are taking it very seriously,” Starmer said, vand by seriously, I mean we are consulting people who understand why anyone would want to bathe poultry in chemicals.”
Tariff Threats Escalate Beyond Poultry
The diplomatic repercussions are unclear. Some predict the next round of trade negotiations will involve negotiating over whether Tesco can sell scones dipped in club soda. Others argue that if Trump’s demands aren’t met, we could see a tariff on water—making every cup of tea an act of international defiance.
Chelsea Bloom is an emerging comedic writer with a focus on light-hearted satire and observational humour. Influenced by London’s student culture and digital comedy spaces, Chelsea’s work reflects everyday experiences filtered through a quirky, self-aware lens.
Expertise is growing through experimentation and study, while authority comes from authenticity and relatability. Trustworthiness is supported by clear intent and ethical humour choices.
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